Title: Morbo's Commencement Speech
Fandom: Futurama
Rating: PG
Length: 410
Author notes: For fan-flashworks.
Summary: Crackfic. Morbo gives a commencement speech at the Mars University graduation ceremony.



First off, I want to thank Mars University for inviting me to be the speaker today. And of course, I want to thank all of you puny graduates who worked so hard to end up here today. (Pause for applause).

Many of you will go on to lead amazing lives and achieve thrilling accomplishments. A very, very small percentage of you. Probably like .05 percent. But many others of you will find that the multiverse is a big place, and even with all you’ve learned, there is still more to discover.

Some of you will be applying for jobs. Some of you will be mooching off your relatives. Some of you will become criminals who break into rich people’s houses and steal overpriced jewelry and cloning equipment. All of these are perfectly good options. But I would like to take a moment to speak to those graduates who are going into my own field, the noble profession of journalism.

Ahem.

Screw you, you stupid kids! You can’t have my job!

Okay. Now that that’s settled, let’s talk about what it means to graduate. The word “graduate” comes from Latin, a language spoken in ancient Rome. We don’t know much about ancient Rome, except that their empire fell because they watched too many videos of cats sword fighting each other to the death, and that there was a great civil war after Robin Hood and King Arthur got a nasty divorce. Also, their founders were genetically engineered from a wolf. That’s what the archeologists have been able to figure out, anyway.

But history aside, a graduation is an end, but it is also a beginning, much like the reversible digestive systems of Allaxians. (Pause for applause from the Allaxian section of the audience). Yeah, I see you Allaxians. Go Murderbeasts!

Anyway, as college graduates, you have learned confidence. You have learned to be knowledgeable, passionate, contributors to society. Now you begin the process of finding out that society doesn’t want your contributions, and your confidence will slowly rot into a self-loathing cynicism that will imbue every aspect of your lives. But before that happens, go and have a nice dinner with your family, and let grandma take as many pictures as she wants.

And one final word of advice to the class of 3014: remember, that no matter what anyone else says about you, you know the truth: I WILL DESTROY YOU!!!

Thank you very much, and congratulations to you all!