Fandom: Torchwood

Characters: Torchwood team

Author: m_findlow

Rating: PG

Length: 4,072 words

Content notes: none

Author notes: Written for Challenge 286 - Box

Summary: The hub is getting all kinds of odd deliveries of late.

'Delivery for you, Owen,' Ianto announced, carrying in the box and setting it on the top step of the medical bay whilst Owen worked down below, finishing off an inventory of supplies that Jack had been nagging him to do for weeks.

'If I find out you've ordered supplies on me again,' Owen warned him. 'Why the hell do you think I'm doing this bloody stocktake in the first place? I always end up with four hundred of one thing and none of everything else.'

Ianto leaned over the railing. 'If you don't tell me what you need, I just order equal amounts of everything,' Ianto replied. 'That would be why we ask you to take an inventory. Besides,' he said, adjusting his tie as he stood back up straight, 'it's not supplies.'

'What is it, then?' Owen asked, jogging up the steps and reaching down to pick up the box.

Ianto quirked an eyebrow at him. 'Do I look like I open your mail?'

'Thought you knew everything.'

Ianto narrowed his eyes. 'Would you like your coffee with or without caffeine?'

'Yeah, bugger off and go get it.'

Owen carried the box over to his desk and set it down, reaching for a pair of scissors to cut through the tape sealing it up. He didn't remember ordering anything, but then again, it was hard to keep track. Stuff was always happening and tracking parcels was not high on his list of priorities. When he finally got through the tape and lifted back the flaps on the box, the contents left him baffled. He pulled out the set of wellingtons and set them on the desk.

'Are you taking the piss, Teaboy?' Owen yelled out, garnering raised eyebrows from Tosh and Gwen as they sat at their own desks.

Ianto's head poked out of the kitchen with a tray that so far had only managed to acquire a plate of biscuits. 'What seems to be the problem this time?' he asked, giving a long suffering sigh as he did.

Owen held up the large wellingtons, in a garish red tartan print of all things. 'What am I supposed to do with these?'

'Do I need to draw you an instruction manual? Only I'm out of crayons,' Ianto qualified.

'You've bought me some rubbish over the years but this takes the cake.'

'I didn't buy them, although the red tartan print is rather nice. A shame we're not the same size.'

Owen huffed. 'Alright then, which of you other jokers sent me these?' he demanded, turning to the rest of them and giving them each the eye in turn.

Gwen and Tosh exchanged glances and shrugs, neither willing to admit any foreknowledge of them. It was tricky since neither of them could suppress the giggling grins on their faces. Just imagining Owen wearing something so ridiculous was amusing.

'It's Jack, isn't it?' Owen seethed, getting no satisfaction from any of them. 'It's always bloody Jack. And he's not even here to admire his handiwork,' Owen complained. 'When he gets back he's going to be in so much shit he won't even be able to wade through it in these.'



'Morning mail,' Ianto chirped as he did the rounds, distributing parcels and envelopes. 'One special delivery for Gwen Cooper,' he said, gently setting down the box in front of her.

'Oh, I really hope it's those hand creams I ordered from France,' she said, unable to wait a moment longer to open the box. 'Honest to God they're the only thing that can overpower the stink of weevils and sewer water.' As she tore open the top flap, it became very quickly clear that inside was not rose scented hand cream. 'Oh! What on earth is that stink?' She pulled back the flaps properly to get a look inside and her hand flew to her face. Next to her, Ianto followed suit, adding his handkerchief over his mouth to block the smell. Gingerly Gwen reached inside, pulling out several smaller blocks of something wrapped in coarse paper. When she lifted away the wrappings the smell only got worse.

'Oh, that is minging,' Ianto said, his voice muffled behind the handkerchief. 'What is it?'

Gwen studied the strange yellowing substance, poking it with a pen. 'I think it's cheese.'

'Or was,' Ianto replied, his eyes frowning at it.

'Phaw!' Jack cried out as he came towards them. 'They say who smelt it dealt it but that was not me! Have we got a constipated dinosaur on our hands again?' he asked, waving his hand in front of his face to dispel the stench.

'Nope. Just some dairy products formerly known as cheese,' Ianto replied, pushing the lid on the box back shut to seal away the worst of it.

'Well, I thinks it's time to cancel that cheese of the month club subscription, Gwen. I've had some gorgonzola in my time but that takes pungent to a whole other level.'

'They must have got my order mixed up,' she said, looking for the packing slip and invoice, but not finding one. 'I'd try calling them but they'll only natter at me in French and claim they can't understand me.'

'Might be time to go back to buying local,' Jack suggested.

'May I?' Ianto asked, holding out a large black bin bag he'd retrieved from the kitchen.

'Please,' Gwen said, dumping the whole box inside it, before watching it gratefully being tied off, putting an end to the smell. 'Think I'll go out this morning and finish up collecting those last couple of police reports.'

Jack coughed as the smell continued to linger. 'Think I'll join you. Ianto, I think I've still got some opium sticks packed away somewhere. You could probably burn those to get rid of them smell.'

'And send everyone here high as a kite? Air freshener will have to do.'



'Hi, Ianto!' Tosh said, coming down to hover at the doorway of the archives.

Ianto beamed back, always happy to see a face that didn't just come down here only when it wanted something - food, coffee, an artifact asap, sex... 'What I can do for you?'

'Just passing on some stationery,' she said, handing over the flash drive still in its oversized plastic packaging. 'Came in the post. Probably forgot to include it with your last order. It was addressed to me but maybe they got their wires crossed. I have been known to occasionally request something out of the blue. Especially when someone keeps stealing my coloured paperclips.'

Ianto gave her a wan smile. 'I can't image for who would ever do to such a dastardly thing,' he said, noting that Jack's files often came back rather more colourful than they began. Jack was a complete sucker for stationery. He studied the packaging. 'I don't normally order flash drives. Jack only loses them or breaks them. Half a terabyte? I didn't even know they made them that large.'

'I know. Maybe it's a promo thing. Suck you in with a freebie so you'll order a few more.'

'Like when they give us free penholders or extra packs of post it notes.' Ianto opened his desk drawer and put it inside. 'I'm sure we'll find a use for it. Maybe I can put my naughty list on it.'

Tosh grinned at him. 'It's that big?'

Ianto smirked back. 'You have no idea. Santa Claus has nothing on me.'



Jack loved parcels. If it came in a box through the post it didn't matter if it was the most boring thing in the world, it was just the sheer joy of receiving something.

The box in question had been on his desk when he'd come back from a morning of visiting Snowden House, an alien refuge of sorts in the heart of the city that was not known for its above board clientele. It fell to Jack to regularly check in on them and make sure that whatever they got up to in their tentatively asylum granted state, that they weren't committing any serious offences locally, or breaking any intergalactic laws. If they were, he could have them on the first Shadow Proclamation ship out of here and they knew it. After being assured that things appeared to be on an even keel, he'd returned to the hub hoping for some excitement by way of rift activity. Instead what he got was excitement of a different sort.

The box had no labels indicating where it had come from or what might be inside. It was as plain and inconspicuous as they came, which only served to pique his curiosity even more. He tore at the tape wrapped around its edges before peeking inside at the contents.

'No way,' he breathed, almost too shocked to reach in and take the thing out of the box. Eventually his surprise wore off enough that he carefully extracted it.

Ianto had gone and excelled himself, Jack decided, admiring the very naughty toy. It was unlike him though not to give it a proper wrapping. Ianto was nothing if not pedantic about putting gifts in nice coloured boxes with bows and ribbon, stuffed full of tissue paper to protect the precious contents. There wasn't even so much as a note. Perhaps Ianto had thought it was a good idea at the time but had since chickened out of making a formal presentation of it. He may even be highly embarrassed that he'd bought such a thing, preferring simply to direct the post to Jack without another word said. He was so adorable like that. Jack grinned and set the toy back in its box, tucking it away deep inside his lower desk drawer. If Ianto didn't want to make a big deal of it, that was okay. They'd get plenty of enjoyment out of it regardless, and Jack vowed never to tease him about to - well, at least not the first time they used it. This was definitely one of his better purchases



Mornings up in the tourist office were the best, Ianto decided. He got so much work done in a short amount of time because no one ever came up here to bother him unless it was life or death. Having the odd visitor from the outside world didn't bother him in the slightest either. It was nice to be able to ensure visitors to the city made the most of their stay and saw all the important Welsh attractions. He even got them a discount most places. That Welsh tourism Board award was surely just around the corner. No one knew the city as well as he did.

His first visitor of the morning wasn't a tourist at all, but in fact the local postie, who almost never hand delivered their mail. It was no trouble since Ianto enjoyed the short walk to the post office, and they generally didn't get all that much mail, being a secret organisation and all.

'Morning,' he greeted.

'Thought you might not appreciate having to lug this all the way from the post office,' the postie said, pausing in the doorway before dragging a very large tall box through the door. 'I'll need you to sign for it.'

Ianto leaned over the counter and doodled on the postie's PDA before he wished him a good day and left.

Ianto tugged the box further inside and took a good hard look at it. It was remarkably flat, thought it must have been a good five feet long and four feet tall. He could think of absolutely nothing he'd ordered, or been made aware was arriving that could account for the size of it. He assumed perhaps the postie had made a mistake and delivered someone else's package, but the address label left him in no doubt it was meant for him.

Was it a new flat screen TV? It was about the right dimensions. Not that he needed one. He had a perfectly good TV in his living room - top of the range in fact. Jack occasionally said they should have one in the bedroom but what was the point of that? They barely spent enough time at home to watch TV now, and if they were in the bedroom, there were only two things Ianto was interested in doing there, and sleep was one of them. TV didn it even make his top ten.

Ianto reached back over the counter and hit the sped dial for Jack's office phone.

'Ianto, what can I do for you?'

'You didn't order us a TV for the bedroom, did you?'

'Not that I remember. But we probably should.'

'That wasn't why I was asking.' He shouldered the handset and began carefullycutting the packing tape with a box cutter. When he had one side completely open, he reached in and began sliding out the foam inserts, followed by the item tucked inside. 'Oh, never mind, it's not a TV,' he said.

'Are we talking in code again?' Jack asked.

'Oh sorry,' Ianto apologised. 'I forgot you don't know anything about this... I think. Giant package in the post, but...' he said, tugging a little harder, 'it looks rather like a framed picture.'

'Of what?'

'Um...' He turned his head sideways to get a better look at it. 'Some kind of landscape. Might be Scottish highlands at a guess?'

'And this wasn't one of your crazy eBay moments?'

'I do not have crazy eBay moments,' Ianto argued, before pulling a face. 'Okay, so there was that one time, but it was a ridiculous bargain.'

'So, apart from the fact that that you didn't order it and I didn't order it... Maybe you should bring it down here for us to take a look at?'



It took a bit of maneuvering but eventually Ianto got the box on its side and into the lift able to take it down to the main hub. Jack was there to meet him, eager to see it for himself.

'It's very, uh... green,' he said, frowning and appraising the large landscape photography.

'Yes, but who is it from? And why?'

Jack folded his arms 'Well, I don't think we're currently on Detective Swanson's nice list, so I think we can exclude her. Apart from that who else knows we're here?'

'Just Amazon, eBay, Agos, Book Depository, Jubilee Pizza, Mick's Curry House...' Owen snorted his amusement.

Jack threw his hands up. 'Yeah okay, we're all a bit obsessed with online shopping and fast food. Who has time to go to real shops anymore?'

'I checked but there's no postmark on it or a return address. Just a run of the mill, nondescript franking stamp and that's it.'

'You could get those SOCO blokes onto it,' Owen teased.

Jack rolled his eyes. 'Yeah, because knowing where the cardboard box was manufactured will be very helpful.'

'Has it occurred to anyone that lately we've all been getting odd packages in boxes?' Gwen asked, twirling around in her chair. 'I mean, I thought mine was a mistake, but a couple of days later I did get my order. That rotting cheese doesn't seem to be connected.'

'I had that flash drive I gave you, Ianto,' Tosh piped up. 'It was a little bit out of the blue. I didn't really think much of it at the time, but now that Gwen mentions it...'

'So, what?' Jack asked. 'We're being targeted for random gift giving?'

'Ianto looked around the hub and spotted Owen's garish red wellingtons sticking out from under the sofa, lying on their side. He was about to read Owen the riot act about putting the damn things away. 'Owen, for crying out loud would you... Oh.'

'Oh, what?' Owen huffed. 'What have I done now?'

'I just realised who's been sending us all this random stuff.'

'Do, tell then.'

'Tartan patterned wellingtons, a massive framed picture of the Scottish highlands, cheese that might have been edible several weeks before it arrived. Okay, I admit the flash drive doesn't quite fit, but if I was a betting man, I'd say these all came from Archie.'

Owen shook his head in disbelief. 'Great. It was bad enough when he was emailing random pictures of cats doing funny things. Now he's sending parcels as well?'

Gwen chewed her fingernail. 'I might have once mentioned to him that Rhys was a big fan of cheeses, but I never knew which of those fancy ones to buy.'

Tosh suddenly clasped her hands over her mouth. 'Oh, now the flash drive makes sense! I said one day I was going to figure out a way to dump my brain onto one and he said I'd need the biggest one there is.'

Jack gave Owen a curious look. 'And then tartan wellingtons? Not they they're not a fabulously good look on you, Owen.'

'D'you know, I might have told him about that autopsy we did on that Garvflaxian.'

'Was that the one that flooded the medical bay when you stuck your scalpel into it?' Jack asked, his brow furrowing as he tried to remember.

'Yup. Could've done with some wellies that day for sure.' Owen turned to Ianto. 'And what's with the giant eyesore for the wall?'

Ianto looked thoughtful. 'Probably one of my many complaints about being stuck here and never getting to see the outside world. Of course I meant Cardiff, but obviously Archie took it to mean I wanted to visit but didn't have time, so he sent me the view instead. Perhaps I should have been more specific. I might have gotten a free holiday to Tahiti.'

'Trust me, you're not missing much,' Owen replied. 'Glasgow is even more of a dump then here.'

'I think it's pretty,' Gwen beamed. 'We could use some lovely colour around here. Cover up that molding wall above the sofa, or the boardroom.'

Owen grinned like a five year old. 'Something to stare at when you get bored of one of Tosh's endless explanations for things we couldn't care less about.'

Tosh ignored Owen's insults, leaning forward on her chair. 'Jack? Did you get something from Archie?'

Jack cringed as he suddenly realised that it wasn't Ianto who'd sent him that little toy, feeling dirty that Archie would even contemplate the notion, not that he hadn't gotten a lot of use and enjoyment out of it, but now it took on a whole other meaning. 'Nope,' he lied. 'Must've just been you guys. Archie and I don't really do gifts and all that.'

'Awesome,' Owen griped. 'So, now we can expect random junk?'

'We don't even know for sure this is him,' Tosh said.

'One way to find out,' Jack replied. He walked away and disappeared into his office, settling himself down at his desk and picking up the old rotary phone on it that had become as much a fixture of his desk as had he himself. For some reason he'd just never gotten around to putting Archie's number into his mobile - or more to the point, Ianto never had - but he figured when would he ever need to call Archie when he was out and about.

Torchwood Two kind of just existed in isolation. Jack would have gone mad up there trying to fill in the days, but Archie seemed happy enough, surrounded by his archives, playing golf and randomly catching up with local aliens at the pub after hours. Perhaps it wasn't a bad gig if you wanted to retire from active Torchwood duties. He could see himself being happy to socialise with the extraterrestrial gentry who'd give up the hustle and bustle of city life in Cardiff for quieter northern idylls. Ianto would have the archives to potter about in, which would keep him amused. Both of them would skip the golf, however. If there was one sport Jack couldn't stand, it was golf. A nice walk spoiled didn't even begin to describe his frustration at trying to get a tiny ball a million miles into an even tinier hole.

'Archie! How's it hanging old boy?' Jack greeted as the phone stopped ringing.

'Jack. Ock, well hasn't it been ages?'

Jack eased back in his chair, setting his foot up in the desk. 'I know. You know how Cardiff is. Never a dull moment, or one for phoning a very old friend.'

'Don't you worry about me, lad. Happy as a pig in swill.'

'That's good. And Bertha?' He didn't really care for Archie's resident cat but it was always polite to ask.

'She's good, too. Bit of arthritis in the back leg. Plays up when it rains.'

'Well, she wouldn't like Cardiff, then. Eighty percent rainy days and the rest are usually snow. Or end of the world. One or the other. Anyway, I actually was calling to ask you something. Now, call me crazy, but by any chance have you been sending us packages? And by packages I mean pairs of gumboots, giant framed landscapes, and stinky cheese.'

'Oh! Ye finally got them! That's brilliant. And what about that other thing? The thing with all the nobbly bits and the batteries inside. Can't remember what it's called.'

Jack felt his cheeks grow hot. 'Yes, that too,' he reluctantly confirmed.

'Ye say the cheese was a bit smelly? It was meant to be well aged. Scotland's finest local made cheese. I thought your Gwen would appreciate it for that husband of hers.'

'Archie, that cheese wasn't just matured. It had gotten married, had three kids and died of hideously old age.'

'Well, the postal service up here isn't the fastest, I'll admit.'

Jack snorted. 'You think?'

'At least you got them laddie. Ye don't know how many times I tried to get those to ye. I'm sure I missed a few birthdays by months. Sorry about that.'

'They were birthday presents?'

'Aye. Been trying to send them forever but I could never get the postage on them right. They kept coming back as returned to sender.'

Jack just shook his head. 'I don't know how they find their way back to you. There's no return address on them.'

Archie made a little noise that sounded like a shrug. 'Maybe they just know me too well. Anyway, one of the lassies down the post office, she got me onto this machine thing. It weights your parcels and figures out how much postage to stick on them. Like the old days when the lassies used to do it all by hand with those lead counterweights. Well, after that I got one for the office. I had such a backlog of returned parcels to get to ye. A whole year worth of missed birthdays and other things.'

'Please tell me you haven't been trying to send us alien stuff in the post. I dread to think of half of Torchwood House's collection now sitting at Royal Mail's unclaimed items warehouse.'

'I'm not sure there's anything up here ye'd want. Torchwood One took most of the good stuff years ago. Don't know what happened to it after that. Hmm, used to be on top of all this stuff. Knew where we kept every last bit and bob. Maybe you could ask your Ianto if he knows.'

'Archie, no one would blame you for finally succumbing to a little forgetfulness. You've been an old man almost as long as I've been stuck like this. By rights you should have been dead decades ago.' How Archie had lived all these years after that alien had stolen his youth was beyond the realms of known science. Jack sometimes worried that Archie would outlive even him.

'Still hanging in there,' Archie confirmed. 'They say golf is good for your longevity.'

'And we're glad you're still around,' Jack replied. 'I'll reserve my judgment on the golf thing. But maybe from now on you should stick to sending birthday cards. Or money.'

'Oh, I've got a wonderful collection of Arcateen coins around here somewhere. Absolutely loads of them. I think we must have had a crashed heist ship at some point. Lucky we've got the old bank up here to store them all, eh Jack?'

Jack grinned at the thought of Archie sending his team alien money for their birthdays, thinking they would be able to spend it. He got annoyed enough when someone slipped a Bristol pound into his loose change. 'Sounds great, Archie. I know the guys will love that.'