Buck was sitting frozen on the stool, just staring and trying to figure out what the hell to do. He loved Tommy, and Tommy just...left. He was in too much shock to cry. He had no idea what he wanted to do. He kind of wanted to go to bed and just lay there. Make a cocoon of the blankets and just stay there. Yet, here he was, just sitting there.

The door opened again, and Buck barely reacted. He heard it close and just stared down at the spot on the floor he had been staring at until Tommy's feet came into view. It was what cracked him. He started to cry, slipping off the stool and to the floor, sheltering his body between the stools, protecting himself from whatever Tommy had to say to him. Tommy had already broken his heart; what more did he want? What else was there to want?

"I'm sorry," Tommy said as he got to the floor on his knees. He reached out and touched Buck's shoulder. The warm hand and pressure broke him, and Buck sobbed; he was ugly crying. There was no fighting away from the hand that drew him into Tommy's body, so he just went with it. He felt numb and raw at the same time. Like his own breathing was like a cheese grater being taken to his body.

Tommy held him, and they rocked in place there while Buck let out all of his emotions. They stayed like that until Buck settled down on the crying. Tommy stopped them but didn't let go; he still held onto Buck.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything I said. I...I've been working on it, and I think I need to work on it more. I don't need to react like an abused puppy anymore when it comes to things that I want, but I'm afraid that will be taken from me, so I just never let it be something that I want."

"I love you," Buck said.

Tommy inhaled, his chest puffing out and making Buck move before he exhaled. "I love you too, Evan. I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry."

Buck was raw, more than numb now, and he was tired. They hadn't had dinner, and they had plans, but now he just wanted to go to bed. He didn't want anything to happen there, but he wanted to just lie down in bed.

"I'm tired," Buck said.

"Okay, let's go to bed. I'll order us something that we can eat cold out of the fridge. How does that sound?"

"Perfect."

Buck waited for Tommy to let go of him and headed for the bathroom to wash his face. He looked at what was going on with his face, and he was glad that they weren't going out anywhere. He could hear Tommy on the phone with the place down the street. He wasn't sure if it was the Chinese or the Thai place, but either one had food they could eat cold out of the fridge. Once he was done with his face, Buck headed to the kitchen to get drinks and a few other things for the bedroom. He didn't want to have to come down for anything except for the food when the time came. He wasn't sure how things were going to go, but at least Tommy had come back.

Tommy picked up a few things from Buck's pile and took them up to the bedroom. He came down again and took off his shoes before helping Buck get the apartment ready for the night, setting off lights and everything else. He picked up Buck's Kindle form where he had left it when he had been reading outside earlier that day. It made Buck's heart hurt that he had nearly lost this. He would not have been able to have Tommy there in his space again.

"My lease ends in three months," Buck said.

"That's why you asked me to move in with you?"

"No, I was supposed to say we should move in together, and it just got jumbled 'cause I was so excited. I messed up with the wording, I know, and that was one of the things that seemed to freak you out."

Tommy held out his hand, and Buck slipped his hand into it, allowing Tommy to drag him into the bedroom. They both got ready for bed, getting undressed without the normal peeking or touching that they did. It was like they were strangers who were being forced to share the bed, and it nearly made him start to cry again. Tommy stepped over to him, and he touched, rubbing his hands on Buck's shoulders and arms before cupping his face and pulling it up to where they were looking into each other's eyes instead of Buck looking down.

"Hey, don't cry. I'm right here. I'm sorry. I don't know if you wanted to be touched or not. Just...don't cry."

Buck nodded, and he swallowed, looking Tommy in his eyes and making sure that Tommy wanted the kiss as much as he did before he pressed their lips together. Tommy kissed his back, keeping it chaste but pressing their lips together pretty hard. He wrapped his arms around him and held on until his legs started to protest just standing in one place.

"How about we get into bed until the doorbell goes off?"

"Yes," Buck answered. He let go, and Tommy seemed just as reluctant to do it as well, but they did.

Buck got into bed first and debated what he wanted to do. They had swapped off being the big and little spoons enough that there was no meaning to it beyond who wanted to be held. There were just a few seconds after Tommy got into bed before Buck knew what he wanted. He crawled on top of Tommy and flopped on him.

Tommy wrapped his arms around Buck, and he held on tight to him. It felt good to be held like that.

"I have a lot of issues from growing up under my father. I never got anything like love from him, and even my mother was pushed not to show me affection because that was not how a strong man was raised. I knew it was shit seeing some of the other kids, but there was nothing to do about it. I ran as soon as I could and joined the Army right out of high school. We had to wait until I was eighteen to sign the paperwork, but the recruiter worked with me to get me out of there as soon as possible. I ran away then, and I never really stopped. Yeah, I have been at the LAFD for a long time, but I never settled there. I made friends but kept them at a distance."

"Beyond Miriam and Jae."

"Well, they shoved themselves into my life. Even Sal lets me have the distance that I want."

"If you don't let people close, they can't hurt you," Buck said.

"Yes."

Tommy kept talking about things he had never let Buck see before. The things he had glimpsed at the edges, but Tomy never showed off. Buck talked too about how it felt to find out he had been lied to his entire life.

They only got up to get the food and decided to eat it in bed, talking more between bites of food. It was an emotional bloodletting that Buck had never done before, and he felt that he loved Tommy even more when they finally drifted off to sleep.

---

Tommy picked up his phone and checked the messages from Miriam and Sal. Evan was still asleep on his chest, and Tommy didn't want to let him go. He didn't want to have that weight not pressed on him.

The idea of moving Evan into his place scared the shit out of him. He also didn't want to have to wait over a year. Evan's lease was up in three months, and while they had money between them, dropping that much money to break it down the road seemed like stupidness. He wanted to have Evan with him, and that kind of scared him. It was something that made him want to jump off that cliff. The next step after that would take a while, though, because Tommy was going to set that pace. He hadn't realized that Evan's pace was pretty much ludicrous speed until he had been staring at him after Evan asked him to move into his loft apartment.

Then Tommy had hit the eject button, and the tactical retreat had been started with words that had meant to hurt, to keep Evan from coming after him. He needed to have another appointment with his therapist because, obviously,y they hadn't worked out what they had the last time that he had been there. Maybe more than a few visits to them. He wasn't sure what he was going to end up with, but anything to keep Evan in his life. He found his notes app and unburied the long dead on where he put things he wanted to talk to his therapist with, and he added in so much to make sure that he was doing it all the way that it was to make sure he kept Evan.

Evan shifted on him, and he made the noise that Tommy knew well that he was waking up. Tommy wanted to do something insane like telling Evan to move in with him now. There would be no paying anything, and Evan could just empty all of the stuff he needed for day-to-day life, and then they see how it went over the three months until his lease was up. They could try it to make sure that they were on the same page. Evan was right that they shouldn't be apart when they could be together. It was the kind of stuff that was in a rom-com and maybe they both needed that in their lives. The love of his life was with him, and he had nearly destroyed it because he protected himself instead of being open. He wanted to have something that would last. He wanted to have a love life that was worth it. He also knew that after Evan, he didn't think he could ever find someone like him. He wanted to have his cake and eat it, too, and maybe with Evan, he could do that.

"I'm going to promise you that if I feel like I need to retreat like that again, I'll tell you, Evan," Tommy whispered as Evan licked his lips.

They needed to have a life, which started with them trying to meet each other in the middle. Maybe Tommy needed to speed up a little while Eavn needed to slow down. They could do it. Tommy was sure of that.

The End