Fandom: Torchwood

Characters: Jack

Author: m_findlow

Rating: PG

Length: 3,071 words

Content notes: none

Author notes: Written for Challenge 360 - Joke

Summary: Jack's style of running Torchwood Three had ruffled a few feathers.


It had been a long time since Jack had received an invitation to Buckingham Palace. What had prompted this one he didn't know, but since it was a Wednesday afternoon and he had nowhere else pressing to be, why not?

He made the journey in good time, navigating the hellish London traffic and receiving more than a few complaints from fellow drivers who took umbrage with the size of his vehicle, which was ill-suited to one way streets and compact parking. Luckily for him, parking wasn't an issue. He rolled up to the gates, showed his identification and was permitted entrance with minimum fuss.

He was lead into a room that was neither fancy or adorned. It might have been mistaken for a public servant conference room and not a part of Buckingham Palace at all. The setting put Jack immediately ill at ease. Perhaps he'd been far too presumptuous to think that Her Royal Highness had simply asked him round for a spot of tea.

Worse was the fact that there was already another man sat in the room, one leg crossed casually over the other as he waited. There was no mistaking the face. Jack saw it on television and in the newspapers every week. 'Afternoon, Prime Minister,' Jack said, keeping his tone cautiously polite.

The Prime Minister stood, buttoning up his jacket and about to say something that Jack could only assume would have been carefully laced with disdain, when he was interrupted by a uniformed man standing at the door, announcing the arrival of the Queen. Both men observed the courtesies as she entered and sat down in a chair at the head of the small oval table. 'Please be seated, gentlemen.'

Jack couldn't help but chuckle at what felt like an absurd meeting. 'Did I miss a memo of something?' He'd never been invited here specifically and was sure that some kind of fair warning should have been in place. Then again, no one from Torchwood One appeared to be here, so maybe it had nothing to do with that.

'You're both here at my request because the remit of the Torchwood Institute falls under my responsibility as the head of the Crown,' the Queen began. 'It has always been the duty of the Crown to oversee this vitally important organisation and its mission. She paused and turned to look directly at Jack. The Prime Minister and his Home Office department have raised their concerns regarding your continued appointment as the head of the Cardiff branch.'

Jack was completely caught off guard by the comment, uttering an 'excuse me?' and forgetting who he was addressing entirely.

'What Her Majesty is trying to convey,' the Prime Minister interrupted, 'is that we find your behaviour appalling, unprofessional and totally unacceptable.'

Jack glanced at one then the other, wondering if this wasn't some terrible practical joke being played on him. However he knew the PM well enough to know he didn't joke, and that today wasn't his birthday. This wasn't a surprise cake in disguise.

'I myself have read many briefings from your long tenure at the Torchwood Institute,' the Queen carried on, 'including the recollections of the terrible events surrounding New Year's Eve of this year just gone past. It is understandable that perhaps the grief and trauma suffered from such events might have a bearing on your subsequent actions.'

'My…' Jack could scarcely find the words, blindsided by the accusations.

'Your colleagues from the London head office have provided at my request a number of files documenting your rather unorthodox appointment. Now, I understand that you have been occupying this new role for the past eighteen months, with some… mixed outcomes.'

Jack's eyebrows raised. He wasn't a fan of paperwork and filed only what was absolutely necessary to keep London off his case and let him get on with things. 'May I ask with whom Your Majesty has been liaising?' This didn't smell of something from Bertie Lannigan at the very top of Torchwood One. He was too much of a public servant, mostly harmless, not really wanting to know what Jack was up to, which was fine by him.

'The reports were compiled, quite thoroughly, by a Ms Hartman. I believe she is one of the undersecretaries to Albert Lannigan, who was happy to assist with the task.'

Of course she did, Jack thought, though had the good sense not to say so out loud. He'd bumped into her once or twice. Officious little brown-noser. He had an awful feeling that there'd come a day when an ambitious woman like her would end up running the place. She was just the kind of rubber-stamping pencil pushing, policy following, rule abider that everyone else would love dealing with. Not to mention she had more front than Harrods.

'Some of your behaviour is completely out of order, bordering on indecent.' The PM slipped a file across the table towards him.

Jack opened it and found several photos of himself. 'You had me followed?' There was a barely concealed outrage in his tone of voice.

'You were seen fornicating with an alien creature within days of filing a report clearly stating that it was capable of spawning over two billion larvae in a single mating. You tell me, Captain. Is that the kind of thing a leader of an organisation charged with the protection of this planet from alien forces would do?'

Jack's hand clenched under the table in an effort to keep his temper from getting the better of him. 'The alien creature you so described also happens to be highly intelligent, funny and charming. Not to mention attractive. We dated. Briefly,' he added trying to underscore the point. 'And just for the record, there isn't a human or other living creature on this planet that has enough genetic compatibility to result in one of these mass spawnings, as you so bluntly put it.'

The Prime Minister clearly didn't consider it a blunt comment. 'Do you not consider it thoroughly inappropriate behaviour to be having such dalliances with creatures from another world?'

Jack's jaw tensed. 'There are worse ways to foster good relations.'

'I count it as reckless and juvenile. And that's just the beginning of it. There is far more of that sort of disgraceful behaviour in other files, though I confess, Your Majesty, I was far too embarrassed to permit someone such as yourself to read such salient details.'

'You don't know the half of what I have to do to keep this planet safe,' Jack said, bristling as he leant forward. 'You think what I do is bad? You should see what aliens out there would do to you if I wasn't here to stop them.'

There was a subtle throat clearing that prevented Jack from lecturing the PM further. 'My great great grandmother might have considered you to be in her highest esteem, Captain Harkness, but she was also famously considered a progressive madwoman. One might think you consider this important task you've been given as a joke.'

'Yes, I quite agree, Your Majesty,' the PM said, nodding emphatically. 'The Captain is a complete joke and makes a mockery of our safety. Something that clearly doesn't concern him in his… state.' He gave Jack an up and down look as if immortality was a bad tweed jacket worn over a mustard shirt and olive braces.

Jack scowled directly at the Prime Minister as he fiddled with the lower button of his jacket. Jack didn't like the man or his brand of politics. He even delighted in the recent political backlash he'd received over joining the war in Iraq. Good on that young woman who'd spilled the beans to the press, Jack thought. The only weapons of mass destruction left in that part of that world were the ones kept in secret Torchwood bunkers, and Jack was pretty certain that even Torchwood had forgotten they were there. After all, he'd been the one to hide them there in the first place and that had been back in the sixties.

'I do what has to be done,' Jack replied. 'If you don't like it, then that's too bad. You don't know the half of what I have to do.'

The Queen remained tight-lipped as she considered him, her calm gaze beginning to unsettle him the more the silence hung in the air. 'I must confess that I cannot ignore these accusations, and that one is also guilty of perhaps not overseeing these matters with as much diligence as one should. I shall however, not suggest that you be immediately removed from the position, but placed into a probationary setting, to be reviewed again in three months time.'

'Ma'am,' the Prime Minister implored, sputtering slightly at the news. 'I really think it would be best if we took a more cautious approach. Ms Hartman has put forth several excellent candidates to take over the position, effective immediately.'

'Prime Minister, you have my word that one will hold personal responsibility for matters going forward.' She looked at Jack. 'I trust that three months should give you time enough to consider whether you intend on taking matters seriously and to adjust your behaviours accordingly?'

Jack swallowed hard, though he couldn't manage to dislodge the lump that threatened to choke him. The idea that he could be removed from his post was suddenly very real and very scary. 'Yes, Your Majesty.'

'Then I believe we have no more to discuss. Prime Minister, thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule.'

The PM couldn't quite hide the smirk of victory from his face. 'It was my pleasure, Your Majesty. As you say, these things are important. We cannot simply have just anybody in charge, no matter their quirks.' They bowed as the Queen stood and exited the room. Once alone again, the PM offered Jack one last smile. 'A temporary stay of execution. Only a matter of time now.' He pointed to his expensive watch. 'Tick tock, Captain,' he said as he left.

Jack left the room feeling like he'd been flayed. By the time he'd reached the outer doors of the palace, he was no longer stunned, but rather furious. He skipped past the gravel pathway that would have taken him to the SUV. He was too mad to get in the car and knew better than to drive while angry. Instead he slipped around the corner, skirted past an empty guard post and over a low wall, inviting himself to a walk around the palace's extensive gardens. He needed time to cool down and to think, and to perhaps strategise for a possible worst case scenario.

He hadn't chosen this. That was what frustrated him most. Alex had gone and killed himself, and his team, and then just left Jack behind to pick up the pieces. Keep calm and carry on and all that shtick. He'd never even been a permanent fixture, preferring to be a freelancer. At least that had been until there was no one else left. Now he lived there, literally living and breathing Torchwood twenty four hours a day.

Thinking over the last eighteen months, he realised that he really hadn't made any friends. The Prime Minister hated him, most of the people at Torchwood One hated him, and there were only a handful of people in between who were willing to help him - mostly because they owed him a favour. This wasn't the kind of job where you could talk to people about it, but neither was it the kind of job you could do without any allies.

What was he even doing in this job, anyway? He hadn't asked for it. He didn't even want it particularly. He just knew that he needed to stay close to the rift so that when his Doctor finally returned, he'd be ready to rejoin him and pick back up from where they'd left off. It was a job of convenience for him, and probably the only job he could do on a planet like this. He wasn't cut out for anything else, but being in charge and all the paperwork and the phone calls and the meetings… that wasn't him. He liked action, not admin. So what if a few rules got bent along the way. Sometimes you had to sleep with the enemy and sometimes you slept with them just for the fun of it. What mattered was that when things got a bit hairy, he got the job done, and no one else had to be out there risking their lives for him.

The palace hadn't changed much in the last hundred years and Jack's feet found their own way around the gardens as he brooded, not really noticing any of it. At least not until he nearly bowled over the garden's sole other occupant.

'Even on an overcast day such as this, one finds much solitude and enlightenment here, don't you agree?'

Jack nearly fell over himself, staggering into an awkward bow come curtsy as he came face to face with the Queen. He expected at any moment to have a brace of heavyset Beefeaters haul him bodily from the palace. 'I wasn't trespassing,' he began before realising how stupid that sounded. He very much had been trespassing.

'Walk with me, Captain,' came the command. 'I find it excellent for the constitution.'

Jack fell silently into step, carefully keeping pace with the Queen's shorter, slower steps, and wondering what she intended for him.

'My great great grandmother took much pride in overseeing the Torchwood Institute and what it represented,' she began. 'It was the one reason she stated that governance of its charter should never be reassigned to the government. The Torchwood Institute stretches behind the individual politics of any one group. It's purpose is absolute. There can be no task of greater import.'

She was right, of course. Jack felt the burden of that weighty responsibility every single day. He wasn't cut out for burdens like that. 'I'll step down if you ask me to. But believe me, I've had time to think about it and I don't think it's a joke. The Prime Minister…' Jack began, but was cut off by a slightly raised hand.

'The Prime Minister is headed back to Downing Street where he rightly belongs and not interfering in one's own business. Might I be frank with you, Captain?'

'Of course.'

She nodded. 'Good. Then I should say that one does not abstain from voting because one is not permitted to vote, but rather because a selection from a cast of fools is not a vote at all. If there is to be any joke played, then one is guilty of such. If my rebuke of your character earlier came across as unjustly harsh then I apologise. One must keep the peace with whichever fool runs the country, and certain representations of support must be made. I have heard the Prime Minister's views - as nauseum, so it feels - but I should like to know your views on the matter. One senses you are not entirely happy with your situation.'

'I'm as happy as I can be, Your Majesty,' feeling every word an empty platitude to gloss over the fact that he really didn't know how to best describe his situation and how he felt about it.

'I have lived a good many years, Captain Harkness. My family have been oftentimes blessed with long life and good health, yet with such longevity comes a good deal of loss; of coming to terms with death. One does not pretend to fully appreciate the breadth of life and depth of loss you have endured. What a lonely existence you must lead.'
Jack mulled over the statement for a few paces as they slowly ambled across the green. It was brutal in its honesty. Truthfully, he was lonely, but what other option was there? 'I am what I am. Maybe I'm the only one who can do this job. Maybe it's better that way. No one else has to die.'

'And how many times does one need to die serving their country to equal the lives of those who are spared such a fate?' Jack was about to make some blithe remark but was once again halted by the slight uptick in the Queen's hand. 'No, you needn't answer. I don't not pretend to understand that burden, but one believes a certain amount of levity and light-heartedness is required to compensate. That is not to say that one should be completely without morals and boundaries, but I think we can allow a certain amount of leeway in order to maintain the correct balance of all things, don't you?'

Jack couldn't quite wrap his brain around what she was saying. Victoria had never been backwards about being forward and had even given Jack a run for his money, but the royals since her death had been dour and unrelenting in their prim order of things. Wasn't the Queen really suggesting that she could sympathise with him? That he didn't have a screw loose because he sometimes lived a little too hard and too fast just so he could feel like he was still living at all?

'I'm… doing the best I can,' he said, feeling rather inadequate.

'I do not doubt that for one moment. But have a care, Captain. Not all of your enemies come from another world. My family owes you a great debt for your years of service. I would repay that in what small way I can.'

Jack stopped walking. 'Seriously?'

The Queen frowned at him. 'One does not joke about one's family honour.'

'Of course not, Your Majesty. So… does this mean we can forget that whole probationary thing?'

She looped her arm through his and forced him to carry on walking. 'One simply suggests you perhaps fornicate a little more privately from now on and give us no reason to act otherwise. I am not some young thing you can simply charm.'

Jack chuckled. 'With all due respect, Your Majesty, you forget how old I am. You are young.'

'And you are in danger of suffering from the wrath of a jealous Crown Prince,' she warned him.

He risked tugging her a little closer. 'Such a lovely day for an innocent stroll in the gardens, don't you think? I hear it's marvellous for the constitution.'